Dormant Volcanos

~.~Love2Read~.~ asked:


I am 14 and am writing a book. Please give me constructive critism and feedback please. Synopsis:When 15-year-old Skye and Belle’s mother dies under mysterious circumstances, they find themselves in an alternate world. Part of an ancient prophecy to defeat the Serpens, an evil council made up of murderers striving for power, they are put to the test using skills, strength, and their own inner will.
Here’s an excerpt: A tall creature clothed in black rags came toward us. Its face looked mummified, grey and ashen, pieces of skin falling off. Beetles crawled up its cheeks and out of holes. Demonic eyes stared us down, inching its way closer. It held a katana in its hand, holding it menacingly. It quickened the pace as Bastian moved in front of me, defending me.
“Skye, go.” Bastian whispered.
“No. I am not leaving you.”
“Skye, go!” The creature towered over us. I picked up a stick at my foot, wielding it like a sword. It wouldn’t save us, but it would buy us some time. I forced myself to think positive. Maybe someone would come. Maybe…
I slashed my stick at it, and the creature hissed. It swung its sword at me, but I dodged. Bastian got a couple of hits in, and as the things blood spilled, it sounded like acid sizzling. The monster caught Bastian by surprise, cutting his arm. Bastian gritted his teeth and fought harder.
Suddenly, I was furious. When I saw Bastian’s blood, it was as if a dormant volcano inside me had erupted, boiling lava spilling down the insides of my stomach. It filled me up, making me hot… and angry. What business did this creature have with us. What did we try to do but have a simple picnic? We were enjoying ourselves. I guessed that this monstrosity was the Serpens doing. It seems they do not like picnics, because they have ruined the two I’ve had.
Something of a low growl escaped my throat. Bastian looked at me in surprise, his eyes widening as he saw me. But I wasn’t paying attention to him. Power that had been slowly but surely building up inside of me was released. Flames licked out of me, and enveloped the creature, and it roared with anguish. It started to disappear, but before it managed to do so, it thrust out its sword, stabbing me in the gut. Tendrils of smoke curled around it and the creature vanished, along with my fire and strength. I sank to my knees, holding my stomach with both hands. When I pulled them away, blood was covering them. I looked up in shock at Bastian. All sound was slipping away, but I could see him crying out. He frantically pushed a cloth he had ripped from his shirt against my bleeding would. The edges of my vision dimmed. I tried to concentrate on Bastian’s face, but the waves of pain lapped me up, dragging me under. The last thing I remembered was falling forward into Bastian’s arms, covering him with my blood.
Then Alice? Why bother replying. It’s a waste of your time surely.

TEDDY